Not For This World

Let me start by being clear that what I’m going to share is not meant to be a “woe is me”. This has been on my heart since a conversation with a friend. I’ve been trying to find the courage to share, and words to say.

So, here we go.

 

As most of you know, I entered into a Leadership Development program through my church in 2018. During that time I stepped into trusting God more than I ever have in 33 years of being a Christ follower. I saw Him step up in ways I can’t really explain.

And yet, as 2019 began, I found myself in a time of hurting and despair. In the midst of walking a path that lead me into ministry, I found darkness like I’d never felt before.

It started as 2018 came to an end. I headed to Nashville to visit a friend; a dear friend. What I expected to be a wonderful time was less than. I still greatly treasure her friendship. But what I saw come from that was that the enemy was waiting to stir up strife between us. Words I said at the end of our time together were mis-taken, and I very nearly lost one of the most life-giving friendships I’ve ever had. I’m thankful to say that when all I was hearing from others around me was to walk away, I listened to God and leaned in. That friendship is stronger than ever, because we both leaned in.

It was during this same time; during a time where I was grieving the apparent loss of a cherished friendship that I felt like I couldn’t get my footing long enough before my legs were swept out from under me again and again.

Going into this program, I saw God come through by affording me the opportunity to continue in a contract role at the company I had worked for, for the last 10 plus years. I knew that role would end in April. I had no idea that end would come in February.

On the 17th, I was called into the office for what I already knew was the end of my time there. There simply wasn’t a need for my role since the contract with our long-time client had officially ended sooner than expected, for reasons I can’t go into. Oddly enough, I walked away from that conversation actually feeling relieved. I was finally free from a place I had for years felt little love for. But there was the fear around finances looming over me.

 

I still had the funding for LDP though.

Or so I thought.

It wasn’t more than a week after losing the other role that I found out my funding for LDP would run out at the beginning of March.

Two weeks.

Then what?

There’s an incredible story around that: the power of the prayer of righteous people, and the powerful provision of God when we trust in Him fully.

 

But that’s not what this is about.

It was during all of this; everything happening at once, and with no respite in sight that I found myself in a darkness that seemed to be impervious to the light.

 

I shared this with the LDP group at one of our huddles, but I have not shared it with many others until now.

During this time, I started to listen again to the that long-tongued liar. He bore his lies into the deepest recesses of my mind and heart and made me believe I was never really supposed to step into this ministry program in the first place. He damn near convinced me that it was all a huge mistake on my part.

During this time I was putting on as happy a face as one who wears their emotion on their sleeves can. I actually think I was doing a pretty bang up job of it too. But inside I felt like I was breaking apart.

 

In the middle of all of this, a thought started to creep in.

“What if I just wasn’t here; what if I wasn’t on this earth anymore?”

I started to believe the enemy when he told me I wasn’t worthy enough for this program, and all the people who had supported me from before the program even started, finally saw their error; they finally realized I wasn’t worth backing financially. No one would really miss me if I left the program, slinked back into my own little world and then left this world.

Let me be clear, I never once had the inclination to take my life. This was not caring if I lived or died. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but there was a difference…for me at least.

 

I felt unworthy of the life I thought God was pushing me toward.

He still was, by the way.

I just couldn’t see it, blinded as I was.

As I sat in this, I remember crying out to God. I did that often during this time. I didn’t want the thoughts I was having. I didn’t want to be at war with myself. At war between the side that knew the enemy was lying, and the side that was too weak to fight him; the side that kept believing his lies.

While I was in this, something changed in me. I still had the feeling of not caring if I lived or died. But it was different. I no longer despaired. I no longer thought “I’m not worthy of this. I was wrong. God was wrong.” In the midst of all of this, God was changing my heart. He was bolstering me. He was changing my outlook from not caring if I lived or died, to understanding that I—that we—was not made for this world.

That despair became a longing. I longed to be home with Him. I longed for the day when we would all be taken home.

Not this finite, imperfect home we know now.

HOME.

HEAVEN.

All my hurt and suffering during this time occurred to show me something. I was clinging to this world, to the tangible things and people I cherished, and to the identity I had placed in what I did, the people who loved me, and what I was worth to others. Not in who I was in Christ. Not in who God knows me to be.

God took all that hurt and flipped the script on the enemy so fast his head is still spinning. The enemy wanted me to give up, and slink into darkness and despair, but that battle had already been won. God was just waiting for me to let Him move the pieces into check mate.

I’d love to tell you that since that time I haven’t slumped back into a sadness and despair. I’d be lying. I’ve struggled many times since then. But the difference is that I’ve already seen what MY GOD can do when I trust and surrender to Him.

So, there you go.

Don’t feel sorry for me.

Read this and hear my heart in the writing.

We were not made for this world. We were made for something far more. For a place our finite minds can’t begin to comprehend. Until the time of Christ’s return, we’re stuck in this place. But that’s okay. Christ brought heaven to us. All we need to do is open our eyes to see the glimpses that are out there.

I leave you with this. C. S. Lewis said it best, “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”