Forgiveness: Breaking Chains

If you follow me on social media, you’ve probably read a shortened version of this.

But stay with me.

I recently met with one of the best dudes I know (he once referred to me as such, and it nearly broke me to ugly crying). This brother from another mother has, almost from day one been one of the biggest catalysts in the growth I’ve been through in the last three years. I’m a firm believer that God is the ultimate support for us, but that He also puts penultimate supporters in our lives who light fires under us. This man has been that for me at every turn.

This past Monday, we met for dinner and dude time (call it a dude date if you want). This was the first time in a while we’d sat down to step into an intentional time of catch up and spiritual conversation. The conversation ranged from light-hearted to heavy, as it always does with us. But when I say “heavy”, that’s not a bad thing. We grow in the heavy. Strong relationships and unbreakable bonds are formed in the heavy.

Among other things, we talked about our words for the year. In the midst of that conversation, we found ourselves talking about forgiveness, and the freedom that comes from that. And on the side of that, the chains and prison that come from unforgiveness.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been in Recovery for years now. Something I once saw as a thing to hide; to keep in darkness; to hold onto shame for, I have come to see as something to share openly with everyone who will listen. In stepping into that and owning that I am not a porn addict, but a man whose identity is in God, who happens to struggle with an addiction, I have seen what bringing into the light that which was in darkness can do. The light takes away the power of the father of lies, who must skulk in the darkness. His strength is there only. Bring the darkness to the light, and the darkness has to flee.

Through Recovery I learned to work the 12 steps, and I learned what it truly is to forgive.

I share this for a reason.

When we talked about Forgiveness, we also talked about the steps that lead to that. It starts in step 4, where a “searching and fearless moral inventory” is created and we are faced with listing out everyone we hold resentment and unforgiveness toward. That list can be very long.

The next step there is to bring these to light and forgive those we are holding any resentment toward.

Forgiveness of others…that’s the easier step.

From there, we move into step 8 where we list everyone we have wronged, and step 9 where we are faced with asking for forgiveness.

That’s still not even the hardest part.

See, Step 8 and 9 are not so much predicated on you being forgiven. The success of step 9; making an amends, is not a matter of being forgiven. Whether or not the person chooses to forgive you is not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is to humbly and earnestly make the ask. At that point you’ve done all you need to do.

Your burden then becomes to learn to forgive yourself…the hardest person in our lives to forgive.

This is where it gets difficult.

As monumental of an undertaking as it can be to forgive others, forgiving yourself is like trying to climb Mount Everest with your arms and legs amputated. But the thing is we can’t forgive others until we can forgive ourselves.

So that’s that, right?!

Not so much…

Here’s another way to look at it.

When you hold on to unforgiveness, you lock that person in a cell within yourself. But what is true of every prison guard? They are also locked behind bars. So, you are not only filling your head and heart with cells full of people. You have also locked yourself in with them.

 

 

 

Who wants to be in prison? Anyone?

None of us wants that! But holding onto it puts us exactly where we don’t want to be.

 

 

Now, think about this…that prison you’ve locked others in…they very likely have no idea they are in a prison. They are likely carrying on living their lives as normal. So really, you’re in that prison alone. Prison is awful. Solitary confinement is worse. Self-imposed solitary confinement is no place for anyone to be.

 

 

 

So, Forgiveness…

I’m paraphrasing my friend’s mom talking about freedom from the chains of addiction, hate, anger, shame…the list goes on…

Forgiveness allows us to see that the chains we thought were locked so tightly around us, with an unbreakable lock are actually just dangling on us, waiting to be shrugged off. If we believe, the One who has the key to that lock has removed the lock from those chains for eternity. We just have to sync our heart knowledge with our head knowledge. When we can do that, we will realize that those chains we believe are weighing us down are actually light as a feather and easily shrugged off.

So, what are you waiting for?

Those chains. That unforgiveness. Let it go.

Drop the chains.

Forgive.

See where God takes you from there.